How Board Gaming Helped Me Deal With Anxiety And Depression

Now wait. This is not just gonna be another post where I quote stats and source information from some or other mental health awareness site while trying to gleefully showcase just how much the correlation between positive reinforcement through board gaming can help you overcome whatever dark turmoils you may find yourself in.

I detest stereotyping. And, especially, the type that tries so desperately to categorize mental health issues into a one-fits-all win-win scenario. Nope, this ain't gonna be a pretty blog piece with smiling patrons hunched over a game of Scrabble. If that's what you're looking for head on elsewhere. I'm about to tell it like it is.





Shit just got real.

Hi. My name is Uzair and I suffer from...well...something. A mental mocktail of 1 part compulsive disorder, 2 parts of depressive uncertainty blended with a double shot of anxiety and a large squeeze of social phobias in a tall glass that at times spirals downward into an amalgamation of complete and total panic.

No, I'm not gonna do the whole 'lets unpack and try and find the source for this'. 
Fuck that.

I had a great childhood, had and have a caring and supportive family, an amazing and wonderful spouse and two brilliant and beautiful daughters. I am blessed with a welcoming and warm home, a steady income and a great career within the technical space that is constantly evolving and allows for the proper mental stimulation for my ever-needy brain. Domestically, my wife swears I'm a unique blessing. Ask anyone who has an inkling of knowing about me or follows me on Instagram and chances are they will mention my cooking.
I cook. Like, a lot. I'd like to think I'm a foodie but not to the point of being insufferable. I still say poh-tay-toh. I would even say I enjoy cooking even more than eating.

Yeah, I'm weird-wired.
Physically, I'd like to think I'm fit. I work out as often as I can and while I haven't quite managed the bottle-cap challenge yet, I have managed to destroy a pot-plant in the process. Yep, the hand-eye coordination needs some work. Medically, I'm all in the green for the most part apart from a bout of lactose sensitivity that leaves my gut so envious of the ice-cream crowd that I often feel compelled to knock their vanilla and chocolate glories right off of their damn cones. I pay my taxes and rates and I'm generally well-liked in most circles. Maybe even post-Brexit.
Categorically I fit into the conventional normal like a warm pair of woolly socks.

But, despite the conformity to normaty, I still at times find myself in a constant battle with myself as I wage an endless war against my very mind. The mind is a peculiar vessel. It can imagine all forms of delights and dream up a myriad of possibilities and yet, when presented with change and uncertainty, it can suddenly do a backflip into social awkwardness and tense up at even the most feeble of fluctuations. Sometimes its the slightest variations that can trigger an outburst of anxiety that bubbles into a theatrical performance of nervousness, self-doubt and second guessing, worry, fear, guilt, loathing, insomnia, lethargy, isolation, deprivation, conflict and compulsion.
And, you know what hits the icing on the cake? Half of the time these triggers are completely out of my control and more that half of the time they are NOT negative. No death of a loved one or some terminal illness or some poor life choices that leaves one wrecked. Sometimes it's just change. Plain and simple change. A promotion at work or a new (and needed) career move, moving house, a new addition to the family, a change to the daily routine or a holiday abroad. Or public speaking, attending an interview or hosting a games night.
I know what you're thinking. There are worse things in life to have an anxiety attack about right? Wrong. The brain ain't wired that way and all it takes is a trigger and a good dose of the obsessive and compulsive and I'm on that train to nowhere.

And believe me, that train doesn't stop at any station. That's normally when the main show starts:

I haven't thought of every possible scenario! What if I make a mistake? Will they like me? How will I know I'm good enough? They stopped talking as I walked by the water cooler...were they discussing me? Am I being tested? What if I'm not good enough? Maybe I should call it off? What's the point of writing this, will anyone read it? I'm not good enough. I'm definitely calling it off. I think I'll stay home instead, you guys go on ahead. I'm feeling sick, won't be in today. I just need to sleep. What have I even achieved? I hate how stupid I sound right now. I'm never going to reach that level. I'm probably being punished for my past sins. I hate how I look right now. I hate my life.

Familiar some? I know, it ain't a pretty ride but, statistically, anxiety and depression cases are on the rise, particularly within the last decade or so. You could blame it on the current global political climate, Trump and the xenophobic assholes that administer our human governments. Perhaps it's all the pollution and greenhouse gas emissions that have spiked the climate change across the world resulting in freak weather, plastic islands in the ocean and super bugs with strains that are immune to our most sophisticated medicines. Maybe it's the Internet with all its social trolling and cyber-bullying, picture-perfect profiles and absolute fakeness. Maybe it's just judgmental people. Perhaps it's all the war and turmoil in the middle-east or the tension with North Korea and Russia. Perhaps it's all the crime in this country or the poverty or the inequality and injustice of the human nature. Maybe it's apartheid or corruption or incompetence or poor service delivery. Or Eskom. Or the fact that the world just seems right about fucked. Or the sermons and lectures that all preach about the coming end-of-times. Maybe the Doomsday clock IS in fact, at a quarter to midnight.

Whatever it is, whatever it was, whatever triggered your feelings of anxiety, I want you to know that I can relate to what you're feeling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to classify your inner turmoil. This is not empathy or science. This is just me telling you that I get it. I'm not about to tell you about a cure or a solution or an amazing breakthrough. I'm just here to tell you that what kinda works for me. And yes, it involves dice:

1. It's my thing:
If you've been following my blog, you'd probably have guessed that I have a somewhat crazy obsession with board gaming and, in particular, Dungeons & Dragons. I'd like to regard myself as a child of the great eighties (i.e. The Greaties) and as a product of that bygone era I'm a sticker for pop culture, collectibles and basically anything related to D&D. Some staunch critics might even argue that I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with it. Their conformity to what is socially acceptable may negate my hobby as heresy and religious blasphemy. Well, here's the thing: I really don't give a fuck about anyone else's opinion of me. I'm approaching the big 40 in a few years and I sure as hell am NOT about to slow down in my dungeon questing. It's my thing. And I own it.

2. Relinquish control.
Ask anyone with borderline compulsive disorder what their biggest fear in life is and in all likelihood it would be 'not being in control of my own certainty'. Well, sorry to burst your OCD bubble but life is just like that. I found out the hard way and it hit me like a troll with a gnarly club. And yes, it leaves a very bitter aftertaste of resentment in your mouth. But guess what, you can learn to relinquish control. You really can. The roll of a dice in D&D or the draw of a card is variable and things are not always going to pan out as you planned. Sure you may attempt to plan for every possible outcome and try to predict every distinct path but you may not win every scenario and hey, it's okay! At least you got time to pause and reflect and focus on a new strategy. It's also okay to put your trust in someone else and allow them to perform the task. In the end, you still achieved the same objective.

3. There's a fellowship.
Sure, you're a solo-gamer with an isolation tendency. Relax Batman, I was there too. Then I discovered the joys of group gaming and the sense of fulfillment that it brought and, while a very different experience, is even more rewarding in terms of overcoming the social-mental blockers. Probably the most difficult of all aspects of the hobby is trying to convince the people within your current circle or friends (and family) to come over and play. Trust me, I've been there. They just don't quite understand your crazy obsession right? Well, despair not! The board gaming communities around the Cape are an amazing and supportive bunch of people from all walks and streams of life and are always welcoming to both new and veteran players alike. And best of all, gaming stores such as those fine folk over at Pandemonium Games have in-store copies of any game for you to play. All you have to do is show up! And if you're still keen but socially shy, drop me an email and you are more than welcome to join our motley crew!

4. No cables!
The world of online can be both enlightening and frightening, both exhilirating and draining and both insighful and meaningless. With information so readily available it is so easy for our senses to become bombarded with images and videos on social media that, for someone with anxiety, can be of a huge concern. I for one, abhor people who send me video and news clips of war violence of any kind - both towards humans and animals. I know censorship is officially dead for the most part but well, that's just me.
While I hold no grudges against most video gaming, being an avid fan and owner of many XBOX gaming titles, I do opt for a balance between online and tabletop with the latter taking more of a preference lately. This is in large particularly due to the fact that I spend most of my working hours in front of a computer terminal and breaking away from the digital is sometimes needed. And, judging by the recent Unplug Yourself Tabletop Revolution which aimed to reinvent and redefine gaming by focusing on social interaction, I'm not alone in this sentiment.

5. I'm better at work because of it.
I did a blog post sometime ago on how board gaming can make you better at work. I'm not going to reiterate the how. Just go and read the post here.

6. I'm okay with me.
It's not like I was going to say "Hey, guess what, D&D cured me of anxiety!" It didn't. I still deal with anxiety. It's still there when I wake up in the morning like a hungover Mind Flayer in powder blue pajamas. But Mr Mind Flayer is less of a constant threat these days and more of an unwanted lurking roomate. And I can make him go away mostly as long as I still stick to my lifelines: Eat healthy, keep active, go for a run/ walk/hike, drink lots of water, meditate, blog, read, board game and listen to music. But I'm okay with him. I'm okay with me. My party fought off a Dracolich and a Ottyugh this past weekend and we're still hellbent on trudging through the next dungeon. We could all just stay home and forget about everything but then Mr Mind Flayer gains advantage. And you never want to give a Mind Flayer advantage. Particularly not one in powder blue pajamas.